Knob believed in balloons. He believed in the power of balloons in the retail market. They made children smile and customers happy, and happy customers meant spending customers. Or so Knob believed, most mornings he’d show up with his coffee and donut hollering for someone to "spruce the joint up", and someone would be obliged to go running to the large helium tank Knob kept in the employee lounge and begin filling dozens of balloons to be handed out thru out the day. A task usually accomplished by the hippie teenager Knob kept on to work the lot.
Today however Knob had other things on his mind, and Gam Moody was greeted with yesterdays wilted balloons hanging limply from the end of every Isle. Moody stepped on a sheet of plexiglass laid on the floor, underneath of which was Knobs weekly flyer spread put for easy reading. "If I’m paying for it I want to see it" Knob was fond of saying.
Moody looked down the length of the long hanger like building. At the far end he could make out the checkout registers. When asked why he put the checkout in the rear, forcing his customers to walk a narrow outside path to return to the parking lot, Knob would reply "keeps the traffic flowing", and hand the questioner a balloon, or a bag of popcorn. "Damn fool", Moody thought and began looking around.
"Detective!, over here, Oh Mr. Detective"
Moody turned and found himself him self looking at an overweight woman in a moo-moo dress clutching a wide brimmed silk hat. The bright orange flowers and gloss pink lipstick didn’t startle him half as much as her entire lack of hair, even her eyebrows were missing.
"Mr Detective I am hoping you’ll be able to speak with me today. In light of what has transpired I find myself compelled to discuss the situation with someone of your prominence."
Moody looked down, he looked up, he took out his cigarettes and looked at them, anything but her head. "And you are?" he finally.
"Oh my lord, how rude of me, I’m Loretta, I am the contractor sales agent" , she said and offered up her hand.
"I’ll see what I can do" Moody said and reached up and awkwardly took her hand in a sort of sideways handshake.
"How wonderful, I will look forward to our meeting, and now Detective I must take my place, the store is about to open." She turned and hurried off as fast as her orange heels would let her.
Moody noticed people gathering at the service desk by the end of an aisle. Balloons were being put in place and computers switched on. Someone in a dirty T shirt was trying to untangle a string of the colored flags which usually adorn used car lots. Moody spotted the woman who had been picking up around the cars outside waiting for a copy machine to finish, and headed towards her. Before he could get there his Lt. Caught up with him.
"Well, I think we got to the bottom of that one Sir." The lt. Was out of breath.
"That what?"
"That whole ruckus with the car crash Sir. We now have Mickey Nevoben in custody, I expect him to confess to the murder any minute"
"Bend over so I can kick your ass" Moody exclaimed.
"Sir?"
"Nobody kills someone and then puts up a show of such stupidity, not even that little worm. What we caught here was a minor thief and a pervert, doesn’t look like he was good at being either."
The Lt. Straightened, "No he wasn’t Sir, though he did have unknowing accomplices"
"Accomplices?" Moody would have rolled his eyes if he did that sort of thing.
"Yes sir, for quite some time now he has been dropping a circuit breaker or two in the trash once a week. The night janitors had been carrying them out and past the alarm for him. He would then collect them from the dumpster in the morning. Whenever he had a case he would sell them to his brother, an electrical contractor. Between sobs he told us he had been buying "beer and porn" with the money he made"
"How come the Janitors didn’t set off the alarm, I don’t believe Knob would turn that off at night?" Moody pulled out a cigarette, but remembered he couldn’t smoke inside before he lit it.
"Apparently they set it off all the time, so much that no one thought twice about it anymore. I do have them here in case you wanted to question them"
Moody noticed for the first time the two that were standing behind the Lt. One a tall Ichabod Crane in a beige cable knit sweater, jeans and scuffed dress shoes. The other was shorter with vacant eyes and a permanent grin.
"Hi, Im Chris" the taller one moped, shuffling forward.
"You’ll have to forgive Chris Detective, the drink has got the better of him these last ten years" Moody suddenly heard at his ear. He spun and saw Loretta hurrying off down the aisle. At least she put that hat on Moody thought.
"So you’ve been helping this Micky guy to steal have ya" Moody said turning back to them.
"Not really that we knew about, I can say that I haven’t stolen anything, but Gerry says that he once was issued a speeding ticket, but he really hasn’t driven in so long that I don’t think he knows if he ever drove or not" Chris replied ever so slowly.
"So your like his helper, or worker are ya" Moody lit his cigarette.
"Well, actually Gerry was here first, but the job seemed to much for one person and Kob hired me as well." Chris’s voice quivered and he seemed close to tears.
"This place really need the two of you?"
"Well.... Gerry can help me out here and there. Certain things require two. I can also help him with things like keeping his pants on when it gets hot in here at night." Tears were now streaming down Chris’s face.
"Lt. Get them out of here!" moody hollered and hurried away from them. Turning the corner at the end of an aisle he bumped into another employee. Tall with a protruding jaw, thick black glasses, and cadaverous remnants of hair in spots around his head. His "KNOB’S" waist apron showed his name top be "Byron".
"Needing new windows today sir?"
It took a while for the question to penetrate to Moody who was momentarily blinded by the waist apron. Originally ordered with lettering in Knob’s store color of maroon, they arrived with "KNOB’S" spelled out in hot pink outlined in black. After much apologizing and discounting Knob ended up accepting the entire five thousand piece order. Most of the town understood the situation to be the result of Knob having "dated" the printers sister, and Knob probably understood it as well, but he was offered too good a price to turn down. The store employees were given the offer not to wear the aprons, but they were also required to have on their person at all times; twelve pencils, a note pad, and a one hundred fifty page pamphlet titled "Why I Work at Knob’s". So most opted to wear the apron anyways.
"No, no windows, I’m the cop here about the murder"
Byron took a step closer to Moody, crossed his arms and said "Murder" very softly.
"You didn’t hear? One of your guys got done out in the shed last night"
Yet another step, he was now uncomfortably close "Yes I heard," almost in a whisper. He put his hands on Moody’s shoulders "horrible, just horrible. Let me know if I could help you."
"I’ll keep in touch, I got to get to the service desk there" Moody put his cigarette out on the ground and turned back towards the desk. "I’ll keep in touch all right you ghoulish bastard" He thought.
"Hey Moody!" It was Knob yelling from the front of the store. "Moody where have you been."
"I been talking to night of the living dead out back there"
"You must mean Byron, man that guy can sell windows like nobody else" Knob enthused.
"Probably gets them to sign over there soul, just throws in some windows to sweeten the deal. Anyways what do you want"
"Your boys won’t let my customers in. I got a guy out here who needs to buy one of my toilette specials, says his fammily hasn’t used a proper toilette in a week, and they won’t let him in."
Moody looked past Knob to the doorway, where a red faced man stood behind a cop, sweating and shuffling his feat. "Let him in boys," he hollered, "ain’t nothing in here for them to screw up anyways" At that the man ran into the store and off towards the plumbing department.
"Thanks Moody, hey you should come see this toilette, it will flush golf balls"
"Naw, I’m gonna be over at the desk here."
The service desk was made of knotty pine, with a brass foot rest at the bottom. Front and center was Knob’s popcorn machine. To the side of the desk was a small waiting area with a large screen tv set up. Knob had given orders that the tv be tuned to headline news, but most of the time auto racing was what was actually displayed. The woman who had been picking up the trash from the accident was making the morning popcorn when Moody walked up.
"Your one of the police aren’t you?" She said
"Detective Moody ma’am"
"I hope that Mickey is going to go to jail, to think of the times he must have been doing awful things. This type of thing does not help our Knob’s community very much.
Just then Knob and the customer arrived, knob had a large box on a dolly.
"Hey Sherry, ring this guy up for me will ya" Knob bellowed
"Why sure, you come right over here" She hurried back around the counter "What a nice day to be buying a toilette" she said sweetly
"Hey get yourself some popcorn, Moody you too" Knob offered grabbing a handful for himself from the machine.
"No thank you" squeaked the customer, who now seemed to have turned purple.
"Maybe I will" said Moody and he began fixing himself a bag.
"If you could sign for your credit card here" Sherry said pushing a keypad across the counter top the customer. The customer pressed a button and the pad emitted a buzzing sound. "Oh you just erased everything. I’ll start over" she said as sweetly as ever. She turned to Moody " I honestly don’t know where we get these people, I really don’t it’s the simplest thing to do and they screw it up" The customer looked a little shocked, but was in too much of a hurry to say anything. "There, there’s your receipt, thank you for shopping at Knob’s"
"Moody I’m just gonna help this guy out, why don’t you watch some tv" Knob hurried to keep up with the customer who was now jogging out of the store.
Moody turned to the waiting area where black and white footage of a Ferrari on a race track was showing on the screen.
Suddenly the overhead page crackled to life: "DETECTIVE, MISTER DETECTIVE. PLEASE MEET ME AT THE CONTRACTOR SALES DESK"
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Knob's Harware Chapter One
Gam Moody took a left and started up the hill towards Knobs Hardware. Damn lieutenant woke him up hollering something about garden sheds and a murder. Boy needs to settle down, Gam thought as he lit a cigarette, this type of stuff didn’t happen in Rockland Maine, and when it did it pretty much solved itself. Just need us boys around to slap on the cuffs at the end of the week when the guilty party would show up at the department sobbing and smelling of coffee brandy.
Pulling into the parking lot he saw the group of cruisers gathered around the sheds on display. Gam parked and began fishing around for a lighter when there was a tap at the window.
"Detective Moody, good thing you got here so fast, looks like we have a code seventeen here!", exclaimed Lt. ---------
"A what?" said Moody sounding annoyed.
"A code seventeen sir.
"And what in the hell is a code seventeen?"
" A homicide sir"
"Whatever," Gam got out of his car and looked around, He lit his eighth cigarette since waking up an hour ago. "Where the hell is Knob. What’s he got to say about it?"
"He said he had a couple of important teleconferences scheduled for this morning and he’d be out as soon as he could."
"Boolshit," Same old Knob Moody thought, "he’s probably in there right now calling his lawyer to make sure this won’t cost him anything, and calling all around town to figure out how he can make money on it. By noon he’ll probably be selling ‘I made a killing at Knob’s’ t-shirts. Go get his ass out here."
"Here he comes now sir"
Striding thru the main door at the other end of the parking lot was Knob himself, all 400 pounds of him. Moody new Knob from around town, and thru several professional encounters.
Once Moody was in the area and responded to calls from horrified parents attending a graduation ceremony for the kindergarten class. Moody arrived to see a jovial Knob stationed at the edge of the auditorium beside an old fashioned popcorn cart. He was handing out popcorn and having the children help themselves from a box of promotional material imprinted "Courtesy of Knobs Hardware". Aprons, hats, and razor sharp utility knives. Moody shut him down, and helped himself to some popcorn. Since then he must have heard of at least a dozen stupid Knob promotions being shut down. The latest involved heavy fines when Knob sent a crew out in the harbor to re-do the white lighthouse in bright multi colors for a paint sale he was having.
Mostly though, Knob was known for what wasn’t known about him. He showed up in town five years or so ago, bought a good chunk of property at the edge of town and built Knob’s Hardware. It took the locals a while to catch on that he sold more than just knobs, but they slowly came round, and since the town had started to go more upscale catering to wealthy tourists, business had been doing ok. That didn’t slow down the rumors and speculation about where all Knobs money came from. The general consensus was something about a European uncle who stole cars and sent knob the money. But Moody had even heard that it was Knob sending the money to the uncle who sent him the car parts. Of all the different stories, everyone seemed to agree that Knob had ruined the look of the north end of town, but he did seem to have the best prices.
Knob was checking over the outdoor displays at the front of the store. He didn’t appear in any hurry to make his way over to them.
"Son of a bitch wants us to call to him," Moody muttered, "you better tell me what this is all about before he gets here."
"Well, sir we have a young male body in the shed, his hands were attached to the rafters with zip ties. One of our boys recognized him as the boy down the street from him, eighteen years old, had been working for Knob this summer. He appears to have been beaten to death with a piece of oak that we found on the floor of the shed."
"What, you have the weapon"?
"Apparently sir. It is decorative oak, like a window molding or some such"
"So what are we doing here, check the wood for prints, arrest somebody and maybe we don’t have to talk to this buffalo".
Knob had been throwing backwards glances at them while he straightened a display of yard gnomes gathered around a toilet that had flowers planted in it. Finally giving up he walked over to them.
"Moody! How’s it going, what’s up. Hope you guys have this cleaned up already, I open up in about half an hour."
Moody noticed that people had begun to gather in the area, employees showing up for work.
Suddenly there was a screech of tires, everyone turned to see an old yellow gremlin hop over the parking lot island and head back down the hill.
"That must be our man!" shouted the Lt.
"Now just hold on a minute.." started Moody, but he was interrupted by the horrible sound of a crash. The Lt. And most of the uniformed officers took off on foot down the hill. Knob and the store employees followed.
"Boy needs a kick in the pants if he thinks this guy killed someone and then shows up the next day with this kind of a half time act". Moody said to the air as he reluctantly made his way after them.
At the bottom of the hill he saw the yellow gremlin had crashed into a sliver BMW convertible. A woman with long flowing blue gray hair had gotten out of the BMW and was yelling at the driver of the gremlin. The hatch of the gremlin had popped open; magazines, paper, and beer cans had gone everywhere.
Moody walked over beside Knob who was all worked up, but didn’t know what to do with himself. "That’s Mickey our electrical guy" Knob said pointing to the driver of the gremlin, a little man who had suffered a bloody nose in the crash. " does this mean he’s the killer? That’s Evelyn our installation coordinator he hit. Hey how are those new cabinets working out for you?"
"Dog pissed on them." Moody said pushing past the people in front of him so he could hear what was going on.
"Pissed on them?"
"Before I assembled them, he’s a male dog so you bring something new in the house and he’s got to cock it."
"You stupid, stupid little man!" the woman, Evelyn was shouting at the man who stood looking like a caged animal, eyes wildly moving around while he tried to stop his nose bleed. All the while the Lt. Was asking official sounding questions, but having no effect on defusing the situation.
"You horrible little wretch and that crap wagon you drive!." Evelyn lunged forward at him, but was thwarted by one of the uniform cops.
"Oh my lord!," It was one of the employees who had begun picking up all the trash that had spilled from the gremlin, "these are all naked women!" She held up a magazine.
"You filthy little troll!," This time the cop wasn’t able to block the kick that connected with Mickey’s knee. Micky crumpled, and it took another cop to help hold her back as she went for another kick.
"All-right, all-right," Knob suddenly stepped forward, "everything fine, you two kids just exchange information and it’ll all be fine."
"There’s no way this little weasel has enough insurance for this, I want him beaten, I want him mowing my lawn for the rest of his life!"
"Look, calm down just get your insurance card, right guys?" Knob directed this to the police who were now just watching in stunned silence. "Mickey, where’s your insurance, in the glove box?"
"No, wait I’ll get it" said Mickey, still clutching his leg on the ground. Knob however had already opened the car door.
"What the hell is this?"Knob hauled out a cardboard case bearing a label he knew well. It was filled with circuit breakers. "These belong to the store don’t they you son of a bitch"
"Yes" wailed Mickey who had suddenly broke down crying "Yes I did it I took them"
"Stealing from me, you, that’s my profit right there, see this everyone, Gam you throw the book at this guy, everyone see this guy right here is why no one got a bonus this year, throw the book at him. This is profit right here, take him down town"
Mickey stopped crying, and Evelyn stopped shouting. "We are downtown" Evelyn said.
"Yeah, we are downtown" Mickey repeated.
"You shut up!" Evelyn gave him a sharp kick in the ribs, and mickey fell back down sobbing.
Suddenly the woman picking up the trash let out a scream. An officer rushed to where she was standing and found her holding a handful of snapshots. Most of them of herself bending and sitting in a short skirt, some blurry one had apparently been taken in the ladies room.
With this discovery Gam lit another cigarette, shrugged , and began walking back up the hill. Passing by the garden sheds he stopped to talk to the officer who remained behind.
Did you want to investigate the crime scene now", asked the cop
"Might as well", said Moody and he stuck his head in the shed for a minute, "all-right, cut him down" Moody turned back towards store entrance.
This whole thing will work itself out by the end of the week he thought, and tossed his cigarette as he entered the building. There was a thud in the shed behind him.
Moody shrugged again and walked on.
Pulling into the parking lot he saw the group of cruisers gathered around the sheds on display. Gam parked and began fishing around for a lighter when there was a tap at the window.
"Detective Moody, good thing you got here so fast, looks like we have a code seventeen here!", exclaimed Lt. ---------
"A what?" said Moody sounding annoyed.
"A code seventeen sir.
"And what in the hell is a code seventeen?"
" A homicide sir"
"Whatever," Gam got out of his car and looked around, He lit his eighth cigarette since waking up an hour ago. "Where the hell is Knob. What’s he got to say about it?"
"He said he had a couple of important teleconferences scheduled for this morning and he’d be out as soon as he could."
"Boolshit," Same old Knob Moody thought, "he’s probably in there right now calling his lawyer to make sure this won’t cost him anything, and calling all around town to figure out how he can make money on it. By noon he’ll probably be selling ‘I made a killing at Knob’s’ t-shirts. Go get his ass out here."
"Here he comes now sir"
Striding thru the main door at the other end of the parking lot was Knob himself, all 400 pounds of him. Moody new Knob from around town, and thru several professional encounters.
Once Moody was in the area and responded to calls from horrified parents attending a graduation ceremony for the kindergarten class. Moody arrived to see a jovial Knob stationed at the edge of the auditorium beside an old fashioned popcorn cart. He was handing out popcorn and having the children help themselves from a box of promotional material imprinted "Courtesy of Knobs Hardware". Aprons, hats, and razor sharp utility knives. Moody shut him down, and helped himself to some popcorn. Since then he must have heard of at least a dozen stupid Knob promotions being shut down. The latest involved heavy fines when Knob sent a crew out in the harbor to re-do the white lighthouse in bright multi colors for a paint sale he was having.
Mostly though, Knob was known for what wasn’t known about him. He showed up in town five years or so ago, bought a good chunk of property at the edge of town and built Knob’s Hardware. It took the locals a while to catch on that he sold more than just knobs, but they slowly came round, and since the town had started to go more upscale catering to wealthy tourists, business had been doing ok. That didn’t slow down the rumors and speculation about where all Knobs money came from. The general consensus was something about a European uncle who stole cars and sent knob the money. But Moody had even heard that it was Knob sending the money to the uncle who sent him the car parts. Of all the different stories, everyone seemed to agree that Knob had ruined the look of the north end of town, but he did seem to have the best prices.
Knob was checking over the outdoor displays at the front of the store. He didn’t appear in any hurry to make his way over to them.
"Son of a bitch wants us to call to him," Moody muttered, "you better tell me what this is all about before he gets here."
"Well, sir we have a young male body in the shed, his hands were attached to the rafters with zip ties. One of our boys recognized him as the boy down the street from him, eighteen years old, had been working for Knob this summer. He appears to have been beaten to death with a piece of oak that we found on the floor of the shed."
"What, you have the weapon"?
"Apparently sir. It is decorative oak, like a window molding or some such"
"So what are we doing here, check the wood for prints, arrest somebody and maybe we don’t have to talk to this buffalo".
Knob had been throwing backwards glances at them while he straightened a display of yard gnomes gathered around a toilet that had flowers planted in it. Finally giving up he walked over to them.
"Moody! How’s it going, what’s up. Hope you guys have this cleaned up already, I open up in about half an hour."
Moody noticed that people had begun to gather in the area, employees showing up for work.
Suddenly there was a screech of tires, everyone turned to see an old yellow gremlin hop over the parking lot island and head back down the hill.
"That must be our man!" shouted the Lt.
"Now just hold on a minute.." started Moody, but he was interrupted by the horrible sound of a crash. The Lt. And most of the uniformed officers took off on foot down the hill. Knob and the store employees followed.
"Boy needs a kick in the pants if he thinks this guy killed someone and then shows up the next day with this kind of a half time act". Moody said to the air as he reluctantly made his way after them.
At the bottom of the hill he saw the yellow gremlin had crashed into a sliver BMW convertible. A woman with long flowing blue gray hair had gotten out of the BMW and was yelling at the driver of the gremlin. The hatch of the gremlin had popped open; magazines, paper, and beer cans had gone everywhere.
Moody walked over beside Knob who was all worked up, but didn’t know what to do with himself. "That’s Mickey our electrical guy" Knob said pointing to the driver of the gremlin, a little man who had suffered a bloody nose in the crash. " does this mean he’s the killer? That’s Evelyn our installation coordinator he hit. Hey how are those new cabinets working out for you?"
"Dog pissed on them." Moody said pushing past the people in front of him so he could hear what was going on.
"Pissed on them?"
"Before I assembled them, he’s a male dog so you bring something new in the house and he’s got to cock it."
"You stupid, stupid little man!" the woman, Evelyn was shouting at the man who stood looking like a caged animal, eyes wildly moving around while he tried to stop his nose bleed. All the while the Lt. Was asking official sounding questions, but having no effect on defusing the situation.
"You horrible little wretch and that crap wagon you drive!." Evelyn lunged forward at him, but was thwarted by one of the uniform cops.
"Oh my lord!," It was one of the employees who had begun picking up all the trash that had spilled from the gremlin, "these are all naked women!" She held up a magazine.
"You filthy little troll!," This time the cop wasn’t able to block the kick that connected with Mickey’s knee. Micky crumpled, and it took another cop to help hold her back as she went for another kick.
"All-right, all-right," Knob suddenly stepped forward, "everything fine, you two kids just exchange information and it’ll all be fine."
"There’s no way this little weasel has enough insurance for this, I want him beaten, I want him mowing my lawn for the rest of his life!"
"Look, calm down just get your insurance card, right guys?" Knob directed this to the police who were now just watching in stunned silence. "Mickey, where’s your insurance, in the glove box?"
"No, wait I’ll get it" said Mickey, still clutching his leg on the ground. Knob however had already opened the car door.
"What the hell is this?"Knob hauled out a cardboard case bearing a label he knew well. It was filled with circuit breakers. "These belong to the store don’t they you son of a bitch"
"Yes" wailed Mickey who had suddenly broke down crying "Yes I did it I took them"
"Stealing from me, you, that’s my profit right there, see this everyone, Gam you throw the book at this guy, everyone see this guy right here is why no one got a bonus this year, throw the book at him. This is profit right here, take him down town"
Mickey stopped crying, and Evelyn stopped shouting. "We are downtown" Evelyn said.
"Yeah, we are downtown" Mickey repeated.
"You shut up!" Evelyn gave him a sharp kick in the ribs, and mickey fell back down sobbing.
Suddenly the woman picking up the trash let out a scream. An officer rushed to where she was standing and found her holding a handful of snapshots. Most of them of herself bending and sitting in a short skirt, some blurry one had apparently been taken in the ladies room.
With this discovery Gam lit another cigarette, shrugged , and began walking back up the hill. Passing by the garden sheds he stopped to talk to the officer who remained behind.
Did you want to investigate the crime scene now", asked the cop
"Might as well", said Moody and he stuck his head in the shed for a minute, "all-right, cut him down" Moody turned back towards store entrance.
This whole thing will work itself out by the end of the week he thought, and tossed his cigarette as he entered the building. There was a thud in the shed behind him.
Moody shrugged again and walked on.
Knob's Hardware prologue
"You want another one, don’t you bitch?"
Again the heavy oak fell across Davy Childs back..A scream that was heard by noone rang out thru the midnight parking lot and across the moonlit harbor. Then all was quite save for the breathing of the two in the shed.
The shed Davy had personally moved there earlier that day while setting up a display for Knobs hardware store. Not wanting to bother getting a fork truck he strained against the heavy load he had set up on a pallet jack. That’s when the invitation came.
"Your doing that the hard way." A long steel like stare "unless of course you like things the hard way?"
In all his nineteen years nothing had ever been so easy, so obvious. Just three weeks into his summer job and a co worker is picking him up. Things were looking up for summer he thought.
Now hours later only one thought was left on Davy’s mind. "Yes he certainly did want another"
This time the blows did not stop
Again the heavy oak fell across Davy Childs back..A scream that was heard by noone rang out thru the midnight parking lot and across the moonlit harbor. Then all was quite save for the breathing of the two in the shed.
The shed Davy had personally moved there earlier that day while setting up a display for Knobs hardware store. Not wanting to bother getting a fork truck he strained against the heavy load he had set up on a pallet jack. That’s when the invitation came.
"Your doing that the hard way." A long steel like stare "unless of course you like things the hard way?"
In all his nineteen years nothing had ever been so easy, so obvious. Just three weeks into his summer job and a co worker is picking him up. Things were looking up for summer he thought.
Now hours later only one thought was left on Davy’s mind. "Yes he certainly did want another"
This time the blows did not stop
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